it's okay to be crazy

what the hell is crazy? everyone's fucking crazy. please find me a sane person in this world, and don't you dare bring me a psychologist because educated people are just as fucked up. if you want sane, listen to buddha. you'll know its true because he'll make more sense than anything you've ever heard.

so getting the fact that i'm crazy out of the way, i don't care because anyone who could call me that is crazy too if not crazier for calling someone else crazy.

i love it, life brings you rainbows and then thunderstorms all over you for months. but what's that quote? it's not about getting through the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain. yeah... i might need some medication for that. i can remain calm in situations of complete fuckery however, and even predict them! it never really helps me prepare though. at least i've been through so many storms i can handle anything. bring me a fucking hugo size hurricance, i swear to god i will be left standing.

i cant stop.

why this constant fear of future failure? the future has not come, so it does not matter. i put energy into the current moment and because of that, i live. and when the future comes i will look back at everything i've done, and i will still live.

i'm ready to hit the road, detach from everything, and begin the adventures i need. there is no boyfriend or place that can tie me down, i've tried to be tied down and i always end up back to this. i don't think that is meant to happen for me. i don't believe anyone is crazy enough to handle me.

i've been living in south carolina since april and i've realized that i want nothing to do with the south, ever. nice weather, bad everything else. sorry southerners... but i really can't deal with you guys. yes, YOU GUYS. that's two english words. ya'll is not. get it? also, i don't need to be around racism, inconvenienced by people who have no respect for anyone else's time and are too incompetent to function, and frustrated by everyones lack of ability to understand HOW FUCKING RUDE THEY ACT. i'm just gonna leave and let them keep believing they're good people...

i'm taking off to south dakota, north dakota, montana, wyoming. i'm really excited about all that because i'm obsessed with nature. then i'm going to new york, philly, that general area... i'm thinking it'll be fun there.

yeah... i'm going places. i may just be going nowhere, but wherever i'm going i'm not going to stop trying to get there. i have some awesome plans brewing... let's do this.
  • Current Music
    icon of coil - headhunter

confessions

as many times as i've wanted to post on this journal and tell my stories and feelings, i could not bring myself to do it. i've been through a lot and it has been too hard to talk about. every time i felt like talking about everything i felt overwhelmed, like there was too much too say and i was way too confused to explain. i've clammed up and grew numb to it all, because it was just too much. i will elaborate on everything at a later date. however there are a few things i need to confess right now.

1. i've been the victim of an abusive relationship. i was manipulated, controlled, and destroyed by a very evil and dangerous man. he took away my happiness, my self-esteem, and my trust in human beings. it was the most horrible, traumatizing thing i've ever experienced. if i ever saw him again i would run for my life. i can't imagine giving my heart to another man. if i am alone forever that is fine with me, because i don't think i will ever feel safe with a man.

2. after this relationship i experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. i was too scared to be alone. i had gruesome nightmares about him coming to get me night after night. his threats haunted me, knowing he is still alive out there scares me because i'm worried he might try to find me someday. i've never been so scared of anybody in my life. i feel like he is watching me ALL THE TIME. it is starting to subside and i am worrying about it less, but the fear is still there.

3. i've developed a severe anxiety problem that i never experienced before in my life. i began to have panic attacks where i couldn't breathe for about 20 minutes and thought the world was closing in on me and that i was going to die. i was hospitalized for them several times. i was prescribed xanax to prevent these attacks and the medication made me into a zombie, where i couldn't remember anything when i was on them and i'd be explosively angry and flip out when they wore off. i was addicted to xanax for a short period of time and will never touch it again. the panic attacks are happening less but i am scared of any potentially stressful situations because i know they can be triggered. this has made me extremely withdrawn and not very functional in life.

4. i was addicted to marijuana. yes, marijuana is psychologically addictive for many people despite the lack of a physically addictive ingredient. the last 3 years of my life i wasted being baked out of my mind because my life was so stressful and i had no sense of security. marijuana made me not care, so that i could get through another day without killing myself. it was an escape from a reality that i couldn't face. it only made matters worse when it became all that i needed and cared about, when i gave up on my life because of it. i have quit for quite some time now, and will most likely never touch it again. i want to work through my problems with no mental crutch and i want my mind to grow and be focused. sober is the only way.

5. i fear that i have lost my mind. seriously. i want to be normal and happy again like i was in my childhood. i fear that i am traumatized forever and will never look at the world the same again. i fear that i am a weak individual, like i'm not smart enough to figure out what's wrong with me or work through anything on my own. this is why i'm confessing things. i don't know what to do. the rug keeps getting pulled out from under my feet over and over again. people who you think are your friends really aren't. the views and opinions that you've had for so long turn out to not be true at all. who the hell am i? why am i constantly confused and lost? is there something wrong with me or is this what life is supposed to do to you? i sound like a crazy person and i know it. i think i AM crazy. i have researched every mental disorder there is, paranoid that i'm becomming a damn schizophrenic. i think it might just be my anxiety talking. i don't have anybody to talk to, and i don't think i'd trust anybody else's input anyway, so i remain confused and questioning everything. i may be driving myself insane. i don't know anymore.

i know there are judgmental people out there and i don't care if they post and tell me i'm a complete wreck. i know i'm a complete wreck, so tell me something i don't know. i know there might be someone who knew me from a long time ago, who might read this and wonder what the fuck went wrong? i'm sick of hiding things or worrying about being embarassed... it's worse for me to clam up like i've been doing and pretend everything's ok, or not say anything at all. i just don't care anymore. maybe i posted because i needed the relief of getting these damn thoughts out of my brain and into words. maybe it will help me somehow. posting my personal problems on the internet may seem lame, but this journal has always listened.

fuck it.

this was a good start...
  • Current Music
    benny benassi - castaway

don't know what else to say

one life to live but we're doing it wrong you see
got my brother down cause it's nothing to me

everyone's saying that it's wrong to cheat
but there's no other way to get my life on easy street

someone else telling you what you're living for
been knocking you down now you're looking for more

the only sound you hear is a closing door
been looking for peace but they're bringing you war

rich man crying cause his money is time
poor man smiling cause he knows he aint blind

there's a man over there says he's tougher than me
but I got eyes that can see through fantasy

i think my life is passing me by
i think my life is passing me by

take it all back cause it don't mean nothing
if you give it away and you're looking for something back

wake up every morning and there's nothing there
no reason to die but no reason to care

someone else telling you what you're living for
been knocking you down now you're looking for more

the only sound you hear is a closing door
been looking for peace but they're bringing you war

one life to live but we're doing it wrong you see
got my brother down cause its nothing to me

rich man crying crying cause his money is time
poor man smiling cause he knows he aint blind

i think my life is passing me by
i think my life is passing me by

one life to live but we're doing it wrong you see
  • Current Music
    sam roberts - brother down

beneath my skin... i'm screaming

okay, so let's take this story way back...

in one of the last entries i made before i quit journaling, i talked about how i had moved to flint and met up with a girl named amber (paige) and became good friends. i ended up moving into a 5-bedroom house with her and her boyfriend, which was a "rent to own" type agreement they got into. i was pretty much their tenant, not on the lease and just paying them cash. the landlord lady was definitely a scam artist, she had us sign all these contracts and i don't think half the shit was even legal. the house looked fine if you walked through it and looked around, but little did we know there would be tons of problems. plumbing was fucked up, upstairs bathtub was leaking into the family room below, the roof was fucked and we thought it was gonna cave in on us, the heat didn't even work upstairs, and we all got sick from the black mold in there. the house had been foreclosed on and was sitting around for a while but i'm pretty sure it's illegal to be the landlord of a place and not do anything to fix these problems for people. even if it's rent to own. anyway the house ended up being shut down when the health department discovered the black mold, cuz that shit is dangerous and can actually kill people. i think we should have sued this lady personally!

luckily i had already moved out by the time the health department came. why? well here's where the drama comes in. i was still dating jeff at the time, and he came from canada to flint every weekend to see me. when i moved in with paige and jason, he came to visit me there too and got along well with those guys. when the factory where jeff worked at shut down and he lost his job, he was there all the time except when he had to go back to canada for something. he was starting to really bring me down at this point because his car was fucked up and he had no money, so i had to spend hundreds of dollars to fix it for him before the damn thing fell apart in the middle of the road. at the time i had spent a lot of money trying to help fix the house, and i spent a lot of money on weed and smokes because everyone in that house bummed from me! not just paige and jason but all of jason's hooligan friends, bigtime. they even ate my food, food that i bought and didn't get to eat a single bite of! everyone walked all over me and i hated the out-of-control situation. i always saved the most money and was the most responsible when i was by myself and had my own place. i ended up getting in an argument with jeff and breaking up with him because i was pissed at having to spend half my savings to fix his car and he was just a big moneypit, even when he had a job. like i could give him a million dollars and in a week he'd be broke asking me for more help. he would have NEVER helped me as much as i helped him. if my car was about to break he'd just be like "oh sorry to hear that, wanna buy me dinner?" hahahah. basically jeff was much more like a child than a man, not someone who was there for me. but at the time i was dumb and we were attached.

anyway one night paige and i invited this guy named ben over to our house, this stoner kid from the club who was there all the time and super cool. we all hung out and then paige and jason went to bed, and ben didn't have anywhere to sleep because jason's stupid friends were sleeping on my futon that ben was supposed to sleep on. so we just laid in my bed and fell asleep... and nothing sexual happened whatsoever. a week later jeff comes over and we end up getting back together (cuz i was stupid)
and jason pulls jeff aside and tells him that i've been dating other guys and that i had another dude in my bed and he supposedly heard moaning noises coming from the bedroom and the door was closed. BOLD-FACED LIE.... the door was wide open the whole time and all we did was sleep! he completely fabricated this shit just to start drama, cuz nothing happened at all. so of course jeff flips out on me and accuses me of lying to him and cheating, and he leaves and goes back to canada. then i flip out on jason, calling him a liar and threatening to beat his ass for making jeff hate me. then of course paige and i end up hating each other because i'm flipping out on jason (her bf) and starting shit with him. why would jason lie and cause all this drama? well, because he was an asshole loser that had been starting shit with me for a few weeks prior to this and he most definitely wanted me to move out. i had an argument with him like the day before this, so he wanted revenge on me. i was starting to stand up for myself, and i had purchased a mini-fridge and put it upstairs in my bedroom so him and his friends couldn't eat all my food. i tried to sit down and talk with those guys about how i didn't wanna share all my stuff and i was sick of the mooching. i was going broke living there! he copped an attitude like i was being the bitchy one and was like "fine then, you're not allowed to use my computer to get on the internet anymore" and i was like "okay, you can't drive my truck anymore and you'll be stranded then" and basically i just didn't get along with him because he was a dickhead moron. and a peice of shit that didn't have a job and totally used paige for her money. so of course when i tried to put my foot down with him and his loser friends, it pissed him off. i ended up leaving the house in a rage and abandoning all my stuff, not knowing what the fuck they were gonna do with it. i drove to canada to talk to jeff and let him know that jason was lying and i would never in my entire life cheat on someone. yes, we were having problems and i did break up with him, but i would never just jump into bed with some dude and then take jeff back and never tell him- that's wrong.

so it took me a little over a week to shop around and find a new apartment. i found a cute one-bedroom and my parents actually drove to flint so that they could help me move all my shit from the house and prevent any drama from happening with the idiots when i went back. there were some things missing that i'll never get back, but for the most part i got all my stuff. i moved into my own apartment AGAIN, learning a valuable lesson not to ever trust roommates! that house was a big mistake. jeff and i were on good terms and back together so he was always there with me at the new apartment. he didn't have a job to go to in canada anymore, so he just lived with me and i took care of him. i kinda felt sorry for him because he had nowhere to go and had lost his apartment in canada, so i just kept supporting him and we were able to be together 24/7. he knew he had to go back to canada and find a job again, because he wasn't an american citizen and couldn't do jack shit as long as he stayed with me. but he made the choice to sit back and do nothing and let me take care of him. he was depressed... and like i said, i felt sorry for him. it wasn't his fault he lost his job. i supported jeff for about a year and a half. i paid for every single thing and he borrowed a lot of money too, which of course he'll never pay back. there is one very big reason why i've been stripping for 3 years and don't have a penny to my name... jeff.

jeff and i were together for 3 years. i met him right before i started dancing. everything in my life got fucked up when we broke up, but it had to happen. he couldn't live with me and do nothing forever, and i couldn't support him forever. the very last straw that caused our breakup was when i found hidden folders on his computer with pictures of naked girls, some of the girls i actually worked with and had hung out with before. he got the pictures of them from www.dejavu.com and saved them, not to mention he had gigabytes of other porn videos that were mostly "teen porn" and featured girls who looked like they were about 14 years old. it was seriously fucked up. we had a huge fight and he went back to canada. when i was by myself i got super depressed, suddenly having nobody at all. this girl i knew needed a place to live so i told her she could stay with me rent-free, since i had extra room and i knew she was broke and in a bind. of course she ended up eating all my food, smoking all my shit, and using me just like my previous roommates had. i also met a guy named matt who i hung out with for a month or so, and he wanted to be my boyfriend so i gave him a chance even though i had just come out of a 3-year relationship. i figured maybe i could date someone responsible for once and finally get over jeff, but matt ended up using me too. you will notice a pattern in my life- i get used by EVERYONE. because i am a generous person and i have sympathy for people, and i was too naive to realize that people are only out for themselves.

it's unfortunate that over the years that i danced, i made less and less money. i used to make between 200-400 bucks a night and only worked 3-4 days a week. at this current time, i would be lucky to even hit 100 bucks. a lot of dancers are having sex with a guy for that amount of money, which is extremely pathetic and the reason why i can't even make that now. the clubs have gotten so bad that the majority of guys coming into them just expect sex. i've had guys go off on me in a fit of anger, threaten me, and even complain to the club manager that they gave me money and i only gave them a lapdance. isn't that what you're supposed to get in a strip club??! dancing is dead just like the economy and honestly if you don't plan on turning into a hooker you are better off making minimum wage at mcdonalds, it would probably be more money than most nights and waaaay less bullshit. i had to leave my apartment a year ago and move into my moms house an hour away from flint because i just couldn't make the money to support myself anymore, when i used to have money pouring out my ass. i was back at square one again it felt like, and i didn't wanna be there with my mom so i stayed with various friends and people i knew in the flint area and would be gone for 4 days out of the week working at the club still trying to make money and give my mom some rent, barely having any cash left for myself and doing a lot of driving. i had spent all my money buying a new car, then the car kept breaking and cost me over $1000 to fix. there were points in time where i was just stranded, had no money, and didn't know what the hell to do. it would have been nice at that point if jeff could have paid me back some of the money he owed me, but that's a dream. i learned that if you lend money to someone, you better make sure you are financially in a position to do so because most people aren't going to pay you back and you might really need all that money in the future and wish you didn't kiss it goodbye.

my last option about 5 months ago (october 1st, '09) was to say fuck michigan and move down south where the economy is better. i wanted to start a new life and be by myself with nobody to fuck me over and no distractions. i didn't want to quit dancing and be completely broke, i wanted to have money saved up so that i didn't just waste 3 years of my fucking life for nothing. i wanted to live somewhere warm and save money and finish my school so that i could get a degree and be able to get a job anywhere! i busted my ass trying to save up enough money to take the trip to south carolina, and there were a lot of obstacles to get there. i took off with a guy friend of mine, who protected me the entire time and drove me around. i looked up the most badass strip clubs i could find on the internet, mapquested them, and we went there. i worked for 2 weeks at a club in charleston and made $800 in one night. it was an extremely classy club, it was incredibly busy and there was no prostitution going on because the bouncers watched everything like a hawk and there were cameras. it was the best strip club i've ever worked at in my whole life, nothing like the ghetto shitholes in michigan where anything flies. going to south carolina was one of the coolest adventures of my life. i highly recommend going to folly beach if you are in the charleston area.

so why didn't i just stay in south carolina, keep dancing, save money, and go from there? who in their right fucking mind would ever return to michigan? well, a girl that's been dancing for too long and is so sick of the party environment that all i wanted was to take a chance to breathe. i haven't had a place to go since i was 19 years old. is running away to a different state really the answer? would i rather just work at mcdonalds, go back to school here in my little redneck town, and forget about everything? am i okay with knowing that i wasted 3 years of my life supporting other people, getting used, stressing the fuck out, and i'm back at square one anyways? this is the thing that's hard to let go of and accept. all of the depression i'm feeling right now is due to a buildup of failures. sometimes you get to a point in your life where you have no clue what you're doing anymore, you don't know what to do or what direction to go in. you just want to do what's right- but you don't know what that is and nobody else can tell you or help you with it. the confusion is internal and writing in this journal right now is a way for me to get it out and make some sense of it.

i don't have any friends left, not a single person i wanted to keep in my life. i honestly feel like 99% of people in this world are fucked and would be nothing but a bad influence on my life. it's a good feeling to help people but when you are in a tight situation and you need help, are those same people willing to help you? when it comes down to it you can always tell who your real friends are. it is more than just attachment and having a good time together. real friends care about your well being. so maybe all my internet friends here on livejournal were my real friends the whole time.

this entry has completely tired my mind out, so i'll continue the saga of crazyness tomorrow... i can't catch up on every single thing in one day or my brain's gonna explode!
  • Current Music
    computer hum

everything must change..

who the hell hasn't updated their journal since 2007 and then just jumps right back onto it in 2010? this girl right here.

it is completely impossible for me to update about everything that's happened to me... so i'm not gonna try to bite off more than i can chew here. the stories will be told over time. i'm just trying to get back into the swing of things and feel a bit more like my old self, if that's even possible considering i'm 24 years old now and life could never be that simple again. my journal dates all the way back to 2002 and i updated pretty consistently so i had a lot of old shit to read when i logged on. you don't realize how much you changed until you read some of the shit you wrote when you were 17. most of it just made me laugh. it was definitely a much more simple time.

i'm reaching out to myself right now, if that makes any sense at all. i seem to have lost myself at some point and i don't know how to get back to feeling whole again. i think life has taken a lot out of me. my hopes are that writing in this will help me sort things out and stay sane, since i was addicted to it before and it seemed to always help me. livejournal was always there for me. it was the one thing that would always listen, so that the thoughts wouldn't be stuck swirling around in my head. nobody judged me or gave me shit for what i said, i was able to just get everything out in the open. and if people read it or didn't read it, it always helped me to get everything out regardless. since i haven't updated in years i feel confused, like time flew by and i never had the time to sit down and deal with things and talk about them. all of this shit is hard to explain and i probably sound like a retard babbling on, but oh well. all i can do is try.

at least i know i'm safe now. i've been through a lot of shit, so much it's hard to even touch the tip of the iceburg. the last anyone heard from me i was dancing in flint, michigan. i was young and stupid for ever getting into it. things have been a downward spiral that kept spinning more and more out of control. it started with my mom leaving my dad, before that i was just a college kid working for minimum wage, never questioning anything and happy as hell. when my mom divorced my dad and i moved in with her and her stupid boyfriend came to live with us, that's when things went wrong. all i wanted to do was leave and do my own thing and be self-sufficient. when i got into dancing it was the solution to everything. i pretty much went crazy, on this quest to support myself and not have to talk to either of my parents (cuz they are both crazy), and in the process i was pulled into an industry and lifestyle that would chew me up and spit me out. i was just a sheltered kid that was thrown into a grown-up world way too suddenly. i didn't even understand half the shit that was going on around me, i just wanted to have money and survive. that was the only thing i focused on- i just wanted to be okay. and i never had anyone in the whole world to ever help or support me.

the economy has gone down the shitter in the past few years. that means less disposable income for men to spend in strip clubs, and less men going into them. that has caused a desperate situation for dancers when there isn't enough money to go around for everyone, and it's not easy to make money anymore. dancers started going the extra mile to get the money that they needed and extract it from men who were sitting around drinking and definitely weren't going to part with their unemployment checks unless they were getting "something for their money". for a dancer who is good looking and trying to make money just doing lapdances and keeping the customers company, it became totally pointless. and it became completely frustrating trying to sell a product that guys did not want while the guys tried to convince you into prostitution. other girls will do anything they want, why abide by the "no touching" rules when they can get off for the same amount of money? therefore i became a waste of money to them. for any female that has ever considered dancing for money and paying for your college, trust me- you won't pay for your college and probably won't even be able to pay for your house unless you are doing some seriously dirty stuff. i don't see why they even call it dancing anymore when the clubs these days are just whorehouses and a cover for prostitutes. seriously. people are just fucked up, and the world is fucked up. that's why i had no option but to get out of that environment. there was no reason in the world for a girl like me to be there. i'm not a crackhead or a prostitute and i was never that desperate for money. would you suck dick just to support yourself? fuck no, i'd rather just be homeless and screwed like everyone else in this fucked up state! would you even get naked and dance for 100 bucks or so a night? i could not degrade myself anymore for nothing. it used to be worth it, but shit changed bigtime.

have you ever met a stripper who quit dancing a had a big pile of money saved up for her retirement? highly unlikely you will ever see that. it doesn't work like that. when people know you can make an unlimited supply of money, users and backstabbers are drawn to you like flies on shit and you end up "helping" people who never gave a fuck about you or your well-being. these people run rampant in environments like a strip clubs and party atmospheres where morals are a hard thing to find and people just wanna get fucked up. i do not have a single friend from flint and i lived there for 3 years and hung out with a shitload of different people. none of these people have ever been real friends to me. fucked up, isn't it?

so i guess now i'm back at square one with nothing except a whole lot of crazy life experiences and a whole lot of confusion. there's a big hole in my life now, and i know it can never be patched up but i'm trying to find some way to recover from all the bullshit and get back to being happy like i was before. there's the past, the present, and the future. i've been spending the present thinking about the past and that's been screwing up my future. i know i still have a future, i just have to figure out what to do. nothing you can do to change the past or forget it. all you can do is use the knowledge you learned from the past and make sure you don't go down the wrong path again. i know there are sunny days ahead. i haven't wasted my youth or my life... not yet. now is the time to start living.
  • Current Music
    sneaker pimps - spin spin sugar

(no subject)

wow, man.

wow...

i don't remember the last time i updated and i don't know if anyone is still on my friends list or what, but i just feel compelled to update.

i'm 22 now, and i live in fenton. it's a more ritzy neighborhood just outside of flint. i moved to flint in april, had my own shitty one bedroom apartment in the ghetto (which i will never forget), worked at the club, etc. i met my friend amber and her boyfriend jason, who are now like family to me, and we all rented out this big 5 bedroom house. its truly amazing. my probation should be over with in a month. theres so much shit i've just wanted to write down on here, so many adventures and crazy shit that's happened, but my internet situation has been unreliable and i've been in a haze. jeff and i also broke up, but that's a big giant story i can't go into right now...

i need help right now. i never remember feeling this fucked up and weird before, like i want something better. i feel like i'm wasting my life just stripping and not really getting anything else accomplished. i have become numb and emotionless and disoriented. i don't know what it is.... but i have an idea.

i'm going to quit smoking weed. and i'm putting it in writing because i really want to. it's not that i can't afford it, it's that i could buy a lot of cooler shit for $100 than a bag of pot. and it's not even about buying cool shit, it's about putting it in the bank instead and having security for the future. the future is whats important, and when you're a pothead nothing exists except the present. if i continue with the route i'm going and don't think about the future, then i won't plan for it and i won't have one.

it took me so long to see the turning point where smoking pot stopped being fun and it began zapping the life from me. i feel sickly, i cough, i'm lazy, i can have a million things i wanna do and i'll sit on my ass the whole day thinking about doing them instead. then i get pissed at myself for being a failure and i have to deal with the consequences i brought on myself, which pisses me off more which causes me to smoke a joint which causes me to waste another day doing nothing, and the cycle repeats. i didn't realize this cycle was going on because it crept up on me. i feel like i'm trapped in it. i used to draw pictures and paint and write poetry and update my journal every day and talk with excitement about my adventures, and i guess i never realized what a creative and active mind i was born with. i miss it, and i feel like i've destroyed it. its been forever since i pursued any of my old hobbies, or any hobbies at all. i just do nothing all the time and waste away. and for some reason, i wait for life to get better when i'm not really doing anything to make it better. i need to take initiative, but i'm too confused and depressed to know how.


i'm trying to find myself right now, or some retarded shit. i read in-depth information about my zodiac sign and it enlightened me. as long as i allow life to pass me by, it will eat away at my self-esteem and confidence and cripple me further. if i take control of my life and good things come my way because of my own efforts, i will feel accomplished and proud and i'll be able to pull myself out of this rut. i feel like a failure because it's the only thing i know right now. i want a taste of success, and real life, and happiness.

you really can choose your own destiny and that's something my stupid little brain never understood. bad things just happen to me and i cry and wonder why. i'm not a bad person, i'm just a weak person. there are many lessons that i have yet to learn. but i KNOW that... so will that help me in my efforts to change or will it have to come with time? all i know is that i want to change. i don't want to feel like a useless, dumb person without a future. i don't think i am. i can pull myself out of this. i'm going to try to start updating again like i used to, it will keep me on track.
  • Current Music
    Faithless - Insomnia

(no subject)

i went to flint earlier this week, and spent 2 hours at the college with different staff members going on a grand tour of the dorms and everything. the dorms are awesome, more like one bedroom apartments. because my GPA is above 3.0, i recieve a 50% discount on my housing, which is normally around $800 per quarter (a quarter is about 3 months long... for example fall quarter starts september 25th and ends at december 10th).
so i'd be paying $400 per quarter, which my student loan will cover.

so it looks like i finally have a solid option. but there's a problem: jeff would be driving about 2 hours to see me, if not more... and he would not be allowed to stay overnight at my dorm! i asked the guy who runs the residence halls and he said it wasn't possible and that jeff would have to leave before 2am. so this would cost jeff 2 nights of hotel rooms, plus driving there, plus dinners and other shit he buys when we go shopping. so that would cost $300 per trip, something he could not afford more than once a month. he just bought a brand new car.

so i sat down and started to revise my plan for college, and looked into the possibility of my loan covering rent costs if i lived in an apartment off-campus. i checked into apartments in flint and they are much cheaper than ones in port huron, with a studio apartment costing me like $320 with heat and water included. there are some nice apartment complexes in the downtown area that have pools and washers and dryers and everything. jeff even told me that he'd pay half of my rent... but i'd still have to have a good job. there is a nice club to work at in flint, but i have yet to check it out. i've heard that it's busy and is very good money. i would have to work there at least 4 days a week, no less than 3, if i decided to work there.. because they have shift requirements. i could easily pay my bills and have a comfortable place to live if i did that, and jeff could come over. but the downside is that i probably couldn't go to school full time, maybe 2 classes at a time or perhaps 3. dancing is an extremely tiring job and it's so hard to focus on school while working in a party environment. i could do it, but only with like 2 classes.

so this is the problem i'm having now. even if my student loan would cover my rent expenses, it wouldn't cover all of it and i still need money for food and internet and other shit, plus my student loan wouldn't cover the security deposit or anything, so i still need money to even get the apartment. i am totally out of money right now and have no way of making it. i have to be out of beth's house by monday, so i can't stay in port huron. next week i'll be moving to mount clemens and staying with adam and autumn, and probably working at some shitty club down in detroit to make some money for moving to flint. but i REALLY don't want to do that again, so i'm considering going back to canada for like 3 weeks and my probation officer won't even know unless i tell him... i have already tested this theory a few times and my lawyer actually told me that the border does not know who is on probation. i am still debating on what i should do, but i think i'd do way better in canada. i'm all stressed out whenever i'm in detroit, so it's harder to make money.

i don't know what to do... but jeff is coming over this weekend and i have a few days to think about everything.

it seems like my mom wants me to come back and live with her again. no, no, no, no, and no. i am not going to get sent to jail next time she has some crazy temper tantrum and freaks out. but the good thing is that she is somewhat helpful now, by signing my financial aid forms and driving me to flint to check everything out, and she even bought me groceries. i don't know why. but i don't want to see her, i just want to be civil with her when we need to take care of business. that sounds really mean but she has been a bad mother and fucked me over bigtime.

well, fuck this goddamn entry... that's all i have to say.
  • Current Music
    DR. DRE ITS THE ONLY CD I HAVE

there is no you, there is only me!

so i talked to my stupid mom. i HAD to, because i needed her income information and signature in order to get a student loan. she doesn't make shit, and i didn't make shit last year either (according to the books anyway ;)), so i should have no problem getting plenty of money. this is the last chance i have at going to school and getting my life back together... everything depends on this loan and i am praying that it works out.

i wasn't going to mention this to anyone, but i decided that i don't care. recently i swallowed my pride and stepped foot into deja vu, the only strip club in port huron. it was just as hillbilly and horrible as i thought it would be. i honestly think my IQ is more than everybody in that entire club put together, and my IQ is only a little above average! the girls are all fat, nasty, and like dancing to country songs such as "she thinks my tractor's sexy". the manager is this fat, bald, redneck asshole with swastika tattoos who treats all the girls like worthless hoes. the girls are all "territorial" and the dressing room is worse than being in high school, except with more retards. they all have like 3 kids because they're too stupid to know what birth control is. i absolutely cannot believe the immaturity. i worked there for 3 days and decided that i absolutely despise every single worthless lowlife person there. i made more money than any other girl there and i was brand fucking new, so they all got jealous and started talking shit about me and looking me over and checking out my clothes. this one girl was like "you aint from around here, you looks like you from the city!" and i was just like... "yeah..."

I AM NOT FROM "THE CITY", I AM FROM A SMALL TOWN IN MICHIGAN BUT I DON'T LOOK LIKE THE TYPICAL WHITE TRASH, REDNECK LOVING, TRACTOR PULLING, BARN DWELLING, CONFEDERATE FLAG WAVING, RACIST, INBRED, UNEDUCATED, OBESE, BUSTED UP FACE, SNAGGLETOOTH, WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES FOR 10 YEARS, DON'T KNOW WHAT A CONDOM IS, SMELLY ASS BRAIN-DAMAGED HILLBILLY BITCH.

hahaha... i'm glad to get that out of my system...

so here's the current plan for my life. i guess i have to keep everyone updated since this plan changes every fucking week.

i've realized that i cannot stay in port huron and support myself. the jobs are all minimum wage, and the strip club sucks. i am now unable to live with adam's mom, since she works at the prison (as a nurse) and it is against the law for her to live with someone who is on probation. she could actually get fired for living with me. isn't that the most ridiculous policy you've ever heard of? so she is kicking me out against her will, and i'll be living with adam and autumn in mt. clemens for a little while.

but here's the idea that i have. i go to baker college of port huron, but there are baker colleges all over the state, including flint and owosso (which is about 20 mins from flint). both of these schools are much larger than the port huron campus, and both of them have dorm rooms. here's something GREAT about the flint campus: they offer FREE HOUSING for students with a GPA above 3.5, and housing at a 50% discount for students with at least 3.0. i am pretty sure my GPA is 3.2 or so... but i would definitely be working on raising it in the future. but the only way i'm going to be able to pay for this is with a student loan. but if i get the loan, my life will become totally stress-free because i will FINALLY have a place to fucking live and focus on school. also, flint is a bigger city than port huron and i could probably find a little part time job, or i could work at the deja vu in flint since it is known as one of the best deja vu's in the state. it is NOTHING like the tiny little port huron shithole club. it actually has a VIP, and VIP = good money. if you get a guy in the VIP you are making at least $300 per hour, no joke. and even if i didn't want to keep dancing, i wouldn't be a big deal since i'd have my dorm and no major bills to pay. i wouldn't even have to drive my truck at all, really. jeff would buy me anything small that i needed... hell, he bought me groceries and shampoo and bras and tons of shit over the weekend. this is a man who knows how to take care of his woman.

but again, this whole plan of mine totally hinges on whether or not i get the student loan. i don't see why i wouldn't... i'm just worried because life has a way of repeatedly screwing me over right when i think everything's gonna be okay. moving to flint and living on the campus is my very last option, and if this doesn't work, then i'm gonna be back to square one... homeless in port huron with no way to finish school.

for anyone who has ever lived in a dorm... what is it like? i have never been inside a dorm. i know they are really small and i would probably have a roommate, which is totally fine as long as they don't smell or fuck with my shit. i'm just wondering if each room has their own bathroom and shower? is there a refridgerator or anything? it sounds so stupid, but i've never seen a dorm.

i am praying this works out. i am hoping that i can start school in flint next semester, which starts in about a month and a half. i don't know how soon i would be able to move into the dorms or how soon i will receive my loan. i have never done anything like this before. but i can't just live with adam and autumn in mt. clemens for months and months, so something better happen soon. i need to get into school full time or i'm never gonna fucking finish.

jeff is coming over this weekend and i will be retreiving all my belongings from my dad's house, which i'll be able to store at adam's mom's house in her extra bedroom. so i'm glad that i have a place for my stuff with somebody who i trust. then the entire headache of dealing with my dad will finally be over!

i feel pretty hopeful right now... but i don't know. everything in my life has been going wrong and getting worse and worse, and it's been like this since october. i don't wanna get my hopes up and then some crazy shit happens again. i'm so sick of the stress and uncertainty.

well, there's nothing else for me to say... other than I LOVE JEFF and i cannot wait for friday night.
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails - Only

(no subject)

"i just had some kind of revelation. but i lost my motivation."

yeah, whenever i'm stoned i'll just sit on this thing and start to write shit, then get off track because of some weird distraction, then realize the entry is retarded and erase it all and forget about livejournal...

but i wanna make an entry now and i will do it.

i THINK things are looking up... minus some minor fiascos...

when i left my dad's house, he was freaking out because i slammed a door and threatening to call the police on me for damaging his property. it was then that i realized i couldn't live with him... even though it was my only option, he was completely unstable and impossible to live with. i went to his house afterward to get my old prepaid virgin mobile cell phone so i could reactivate it and use it again. i am totally done with verizon and any cell phone company with a contract, for that matter! so my dad was being all crazy when i got my phone, telling me that i better get my belongings now because he's going to just throw all my stuff out. i was like "whatever" and came back on saturday with jeff to get the rest of my things. i only have a duffel bag with maybe a weeks worth of clothes in it. all the lights were off in the house, but my dad's truck was there. we knocked on the door for like 15 minutes, and even banged on his bedroom window thinking that maybe he was just drunk and passed out. finally i started to get worried... my dad is suicidal and he always sleeps with the tv on in his bedroom, but the tv wasn't even on. why wasn't he answering the door? so we went into the attached garage because the door was unlocked, but the inside door to the house was locked. we started knocking on it, and it swung open... and my dad came barging out of his room screaming. he accused jeff and i of trying to break into his house and kept screaming that he was going to get his gun and kill jeff. i have no idea why he would hate jeff so bad, since jeff used to come over and help him with things around the house and was always polite. they even smoked a joint together and everything was chill. so my dad slammed the door in our faces and threatened to call the police if we didn't leave that second. i yelled to my dad through the door that i just wanted to get my fucking stuff!!! i heard him get on the phone with the police saying "i have 2 intruders in my house that will not leave my property!" and was all freaking out like his house was getting burglarized or something. he was yelling that i was gonna be taken away to jail and that i'm getting arrested soon. then the phone in the garage rang, and it was my mom. i asked her if my dad had just called her, and she said "no, i was just calling to check on him" and asked what was going on. i told her my dad had just called the police because i came to get my stuff, and she told me to get back into the car and just park it in the road in front of the house. jeff and i decided to call the police and tell them that my dad was going psycho on us and threatened to shoot jeff and that we wanted police officers to be present while i retrieved my belongings. so the police came and told us that i couldn't get my stuff that day because of my dad's intoxicated state of mind (yeah, he was wasted) and that i couldn't actually go on his property without permission unless i had a court order, even though my belongings were inside. so the police talked to my dad and told him to let me get my stuff, and he told them that i had to get all of my stuff in one trip, and that i couldn't bring jeff to help me. he knows damn well that i can't fit everything i own into the back of my truck and that it took me 3 seperate trips when i moved from my mom's house! and he knows that i can't carry a lot of heavy stuff and will need someone (a strong guy) to help me. so this weekend i am planning on going back and getting my stuff, but i have no idea how i'm gonna do it. i guess i will have jeff come along and park on the road and we'll have to carry stuff out there. i'm gonna have to abandon my bed, even though i'm gonna need a bed whenever i get my own apartment. it's fucking ridiculous...

but i'm just happy that i have a place to stay so that i can get a job, go to school, and start getting my life together again. hopefully i can start making some money again, since i only have $200 left at this point. i absolutely cannot believe all of my money is gone... but then again i've been living off that money since october when all of this shit happened. i'm kicking myself for not saving more... i saved a lot though.

yesterday, beth (adam's mom) and i went up to the college and looked into getting student loans for me. my dad has always paid for my college, and now i'm screwed. i have to figure something out if i wanna register for classes next semester. getting a student loan is not a fun process.. i'm having all kinds of difficulty because of having to provide tax forms to prove my income as well as the income of both of my parents. did you know that you are still considered a dependent of your parents until you're 25? i can't get a student loan without their signatures.

like everyone says, just take it one day at a time.

i can't wait until saturday when i can see jeff. this is the man who pretty much keeps me going. even beth told me, "you know, he really cares about you". jeff is the most amazing person i have ever met. i think we have fallen even more in love since this shit happened to me, because it gives him the chance to help me and be my hero. nice guys enjoy taking care of girls. i always tell him how important he is to me, too. we've been together for almost a year now... he's my best friend. and i love him to death.

i think i'll have a better idea of how things are going after this week when i start my job. things are getting cleared up slowly... hopefully no more setbacks and crazyness. but i think i'm gonna have to keep both parents out of my life if i want to avoid crazyness.

shit. i'm tired... went to bed at 3 and got up at 9 for no reason. i wasn't tired, but now it's catching up with me. ughhhhhh. bye.
  • Current Music
    CHAMILLIONAIRE... JYEAH

(no subject)

so, i am now living with adam's mom.

my buddy adam and his girlfriend autumn moved down to mount clemens a while ago, so it's just me and adam's mom... which is kinda weird. but i'm in port huron and about 5 minutes from my school, so i'm in a good place. adam's mom is hardly even home anyways. she's going to help me make a resume and look for jobs, and help me with financial aid paperwork so that my school will be paid for next semester. she wants to meet jeff and doesn't have a problem with him coming over on the weekend (as long as there's no hankey-pankey of course). she is such an awesome lady, kinda like the mom i never had. she offered to let me live with her, i didn't even have to ask. she just handed me a house key and told me to help myself to food.

i stopped by my dad's house to get some more of my stuff, and he told me to take as much as i can because he's throwing the rest out. i only have a couple duffel bags, so i guess that's all i own. my dad also gave my cat back to my mom, so i'll never see that cat again.

i'm so depressed and it's so embarassing for everyone to see what a loser i am. yeah, i actually had to stay at a homeless shelter. i'm sick of people acting like it's somehow my fault because i'm a bad person.

if you remember correctly, everything was great until my parents lost their fucking minds and got divorced. i graduated high school on time, started college that fall and went MORE than full-time, while still delivering pizzas at that restaurant and waitressing. i did everything i was supposed to do, and my GPA was good enough to be on the dean's list. everything fell apart because my mom became a crazy slut with all of her loser boyfriends, she had no money for rent because she had a shitty minimum wage job, and she started taking out all of her frustrations on me. when she couldn't pay a bill, she'd flip out on me because i wouldn't pay it for her. she wanted me to work for minimum wage just like her, and hand over my entire fucking paycheck for the rent. the reason i started stripping was because i was broke, my mom was always hounding me about giving her money, and simultaneously threatening to kick me out. so i started stripping because i wanted to save up money for myself, get my own place, tell my mom to fuck off, and go back to college again. those are the reasons why i did it. some weeks were so awesome that i'd make $1500 in 4 days, give my mom $300 or so and then sit back and chill. it took so much pressure off of me... but my mom never thought it was good enough. she is an idiot. all of her boyfriends dumped her and now she is living in a 3 bedroom house all by herself, with NOBODY to give her any money. she makes $200 a week and her total bills for the house are close to $1000 a month. she thinks that the $80,000 she got in the divorce settlement is going to last forever... it's going pretty fucking quick. my mom is the kind of person who thinks she's always right and will blame ANYONE AND EVERYONE for her problems in life. she started college for one semester, spent thousands of dollars, then dropped out and blamed it on me. i haven't even been around her since october, yet somehow she still finds a way to blame me for that. she treated me like total shit... she didn't care that i had to drop out of college as long as i was making enough money to give her for rent. anything bad that happened to her was my automatically my fault. if her boyfriend was a pervert and stared at me, then it was my fault. i read emails that she sent to her stupid friends, saying terrible things about how she wants to kick me out and make me homeless so that i'll learn my lesson and become independent real quick. kinda the same concept as "throw a kid in deep water and he'll learn to swim". who the fuck does that to their own kid????? she is also the type of person who talks shit about everyone behind their backs and makes herself out to be the victim. nobody is ever given a chance to defend themselves and she likes it that way, because she is a chronic liar. i honestly think my mother needs to be locked up in the nuthouse. one of the supposed reasons she left my dad was because she hated living in michigan and wanted to live in a warmer state. so she started applying for all these weird jobs in flordia, then bought a 3 bedroom house in michigan. she said she wanted to be a teacher, then she dropped out of school and doesn't know what she wants to do now. she changes her mind about everything CONSTANTLY. she even told me that she wanted to become a stripper because she was jealous of all the money i made. she is almost 50 years old. and then she went into court and used the whole "stripping" thing against me, telling the judge how i have no morals and making me out to be a terrible person. god, my mom is so fucked up that i could write 90 fucking pages about it and only hit the tip of the iceburg...

as far as my dad goes, he is just a pathetic excuse for a human being. i understand that when you are married to someone for 29 years, it's going to take a longass time to get over it. but my mom totally fucked with his head.... she was dating guys before she even filed for the divorce, and living with jerry before the divorce was final. i would consider that CHEATING. she would go to my dads house and tell him all about her new boyfriends and how much fun she was having, how she felt like she was 17 years old again, and tried to act like my dad was still a good friend of hers. she even acted like she wanted to get back together with him, saying that if he gave her a bunch of money and allowed her to move to whatever state she wanted, that she'd stay with him. my dad still cries every day because of her, he has pictures of her in his bedroom and has pretty much become completely suicidal and antisocial. he doesn't even leave the house except for going to work, and pretty much just drinks and smokes weed all night long until he passes out at 8pm or so. he doesn't have the confidence to date other women or do anything, he is just this crazy hermit that gets crazier and crazier every day. i feel really sorry for my dad, but at the same time he has been incredibly hostile to me. he's still an asshole. it is impossible for him to live with anyone, because he's got this "my way or the highway!" perfectionist, controlling attitude. he has SERIOUS control issues and anger problems. he came into my room yelling and screaming because i left my shampoo bottle on the edge of the bathtub instead of putting it in the little shower caddy. he is totally obsessive. he made jeff and i hang out in the garage because we were "disturbing him" by sitting in the livingroom watching movies. the garage isn't even heated. then he told jeff that he could only stay saturday night and had to go home on sunday. jeff doesn't even get to my house until 2pm on saturday, and it's a 2 HOUR DRIVE. so jeff and i decided to just get a hotel room on sunday night, so that we could see eachother for a significant amount of time. my dad flipped out and called me a slut for going to a hotel room with my boyfriend and told me that i was just "weekend pussy" to him. he said terrible things that were emotionally abusive at the very least. i got upset but i didn't say a fucking word, i just slammed my door as i went into my room and he threatened to call the police on me for damaging his property. i didn't break the fucking door, i just slammed it!!! he started saying all this crazy shit like, "that's why you're on probation because you are so violent and angry and i'm going to call your probation officer right now and tell him how bad you are being". after years and years of dealing with my dad, i've learned that the best way to deal with him is SILENCE. i never said a word, i just sat in my room and packed clothes into my duffel bag and got ready to leave. i don't even bother defending myself or getting pissed at my dad, because that's exactly what he wants.... his life is so boring and pathetic that he has to provoke people and get them riled up to entertain himself. and then once he gets you riled up, he accuses you of having anger problems and acts like you are the irrational one.

these are the mindgames i've had to play for my entire life.

fuck my parents, seriously.

they always treated me like i'm younger than i actually am. they moved me out into the middle of nowhere, where i couldn't play with the kids across the street because the only thing across the street was a cornfield. everyone i went to school with made fun of me because they're fucking hillbillies that i have nothing in common with. they thought i was a freak for writing poetry and drawing "weird" pictures, but i thought they were a bunch of morons for riding dirtbikes all day and shooting deer. i hate that little hillbilly town so much. i'm too good for it.... i always was.

i'm at the point in my life where i'm realizing, "hey i'm 21 years old, i'm an adult" and it's scary as fuck because i still feel like a lost, lonely, little girl. i don't know shit about anything, i lived in a little bubble with my crazy parents my whole life. they ruined me.

every day, i wish that i had never been born. just look at my parents and you will agree that these two people should have never reproduced. they already told me that i was a mistake, just a result of the condom staying in the dresser drawer. genetics are quite a powerful thing. it is clear that both of my parents have some serious mental problems and are total low-class morons, so it is highly likely that my destiny will be the same. how do i change anything?

yeah, so i guess the point of this post is that i'm totally fucked up. and i'm so stressed out right now, all i ate yesterday was a grilled cheese sandwich and i can't even fucking sleep. my mind is all scattered and shit, when i came to adam's moms house and tried to tell her everything that happened, i could barely get the words out in a way that made sense. i can't even fucking think anymore.

so this week is going to consist of job hunting, even though there are absolutely no jobs in port huron right now. michigan is the most fucked up state ever. economy is bad, people are trashy and stupid, and it's cold and ugly outside. don't ever move to michigan.
  • Current Mood
    ranty