Tina Nina (noctina) wrote,
Tina Nina
noctina

so, i am now living with adam's mom.

my buddy adam and his girlfriend autumn moved down to mount clemens a while ago, so it's just me and adam's mom... which is kinda weird. but i'm in port huron and about 5 minutes from my school, so i'm in a good place. adam's mom is hardly even home anyways. she's going to help me make a resume and look for jobs, and help me with financial aid paperwork so that my school will be paid for next semester. she wants to meet jeff and doesn't have a problem with him coming over on the weekend (as long as there's no hankey-pankey of course). she is such an awesome lady, kinda like the mom i never had. she offered to let me live with her, i didn't even have to ask. she just handed me a house key and told me to help myself to food.

i stopped by my dad's house to get some more of my stuff, and he told me to take as much as i can because he's throwing the rest out. i only have a couple duffel bags, so i guess that's all i own. my dad also gave my cat back to my mom, so i'll never see that cat again.

i'm so depressed and it's so embarassing for everyone to see what a loser i am. yeah, i actually had to stay at a homeless shelter. i'm sick of people acting like it's somehow my fault because i'm a bad person.

if you remember correctly, everything was great until my parents lost their fucking minds and got divorced. i graduated high school on time, started college that fall and went MORE than full-time, while still delivering pizzas at that restaurant and waitressing. i did everything i was supposed to do, and my GPA was good enough to be on the dean's list. everything fell apart because my mom became a crazy slut with all of her loser boyfriends, she had no money for rent because she had a shitty minimum wage job, and she started taking out all of her frustrations on me. when she couldn't pay a bill, she'd flip out on me because i wouldn't pay it for her. she wanted me to work for minimum wage just like her, and hand over my entire fucking paycheck for the rent. the reason i started stripping was because i was broke, my mom was always hounding me about giving her money, and simultaneously threatening to kick me out. so i started stripping because i wanted to save up money for myself, get my own place, tell my mom to fuck off, and go back to college again. those are the reasons why i did it. some weeks were so awesome that i'd make $1500 in 4 days, give my mom $300 or so and then sit back and chill. it took so much pressure off of me... but my mom never thought it was good enough. she is an idiot. all of her boyfriends dumped her and now she is living in a 3 bedroom house all by herself, with NOBODY to give her any money. she makes $200 a week and her total bills for the house are close to $1000 a month. she thinks that the $80,000 she got in the divorce settlement is going to last forever... it's going pretty fucking quick. my mom is the kind of person who thinks she's always right and will blame ANYONE AND EVERYONE for her problems in life. she started college for one semester, spent thousands of dollars, then dropped out and blamed it on me. i haven't even been around her since october, yet somehow she still finds a way to blame me for that. she treated me like total shit... she didn't care that i had to drop out of college as long as i was making enough money to give her for rent. anything bad that happened to her was my automatically my fault. if her boyfriend was a pervert and stared at me, then it was my fault. i read emails that she sent to her stupid friends, saying terrible things about how she wants to kick me out and make me homeless so that i'll learn my lesson and become independent real quick. kinda the same concept as "throw a kid in deep water and he'll learn to swim". who the fuck does that to their own kid????? she is also the type of person who talks shit about everyone behind their backs and makes herself out to be the victim. nobody is ever given a chance to defend themselves and she likes it that way, because she is a chronic liar. i honestly think my mother needs to be locked up in the nuthouse. one of the supposed reasons she left my dad was because she hated living in michigan and wanted to live in a warmer state. so she started applying for all these weird jobs in flordia, then bought a 3 bedroom house in michigan. she said she wanted to be a teacher, then she dropped out of school and doesn't know what she wants to do now. she changes her mind about everything CONSTANTLY. she even told me that she wanted to become a stripper because she was jealous of all the money i made. she is almost 50 years old. and then she went into court and used the whole "stripping" thing against me, telling the judge how i have no morals and making me out to be a terrible person. god, my mom is so fucked up that i could write 90 fucking pages about it and only hit the tip of the iceburg...

as far as my dad goes, he is just a pathetic excuse for a human being. i understand that when you are married to someone for 29 years, it's going to take a longass time to get over it. but my mom totally fucked with his head.... she was dating guys before she even filed for the divorce, and living with jerry before the divorce was final. i would consider that CHEATING. she would go to my dads house and tell him all about her new boyfriends and how much fun she was having, how she felt like she was 17 years old again, and tried to act like my dad was still a good friend of hers. she even acted like she wanted to get back together with him, saying that if he gave her a bunch of money and allowed her to move to whatever state she wanted, that she'd stay with him. my dad still cries every day because of her, he has pictures of her in his bedroom and has pretty much become completely suicidal and antisocial. he doesn't even leave the house except for going to work, and pretty much just drinks and smokes weed all night long until he passes out at 8pm or so. he doesn't have the confidence to date other women or do anything, he is just this crazy hermit that gets crazier and crazier every day. i feel really sorry for my dad, but at the same time he has been incredibly hostile to me. he's still an asshole. it is impossible for him to live with anyone, because he's got this "my way or the highway!" perfectionist, controlling attitude. he has SERIOUS control issues and anger problems. he came into my room yelling and screaming because i left my shampoo bottle on the edge of the bathtub instead of putting it in the little shower caddy. he is totally obsessive. he made jeff and i hang out in the garage because we were "disturbing him" by sitting in the livingroom watching movies. the garage isn't even heated. then he told jeff that he could only stay saturday night and had to go home on sunday. jeff doesn't even get to my house until 2pm on saturday, and it's a 2 HOUR DRIVE. so jeff and i decided to just get a hotel room on sunday night, so that we could see eachother for a significant amount of time. my dad flipped out and called me a slut for going to a hotel room with my boyfriend and told me that i was just "weekend pussy" to him. he said terrible things that were emotionally abusive at the very least. i got upset but i didn't say a fucking word, i just slammed my door as i went into my room and he threatened to call the police on me for damaging his property. i didn't break the fucking door, i just slammed it!!! he started saying all this crazy shit like, "that's why you're on probation because you are so violent and angry and i'm going to call your probation officer right now and tell him how bad you are being". after years and years of dealing with my dad, i've learned that the best way to deal with him is SILENCE. i never said a word, i just sat in my room and packed clothes into my duffel bag and got ready to leave. i don't even bother defending myself or getting pissed at my dad, because that's exactly what he wants.... his life is so boring and pathetic that he has to provoke people and get them riled up to entertain himself. and then once he gets you riled up, he accuses you of having anger problems and acts like you are the irrational one.

these are the mindgames i've had to play for my entire life.

fuck my parents, seriously.

they always treated me like i'm younger than i actually am. they moved me out into the middle of nowhere, where i couldn't play with the kids across the street because the only thing across the street was a cornfield. everyone i went to school with made fun of me because they're fucking hillbillies that i have nothing in common with. they thought i was a freak for writing poetry and drawing "weird" pictures, but i thought they were a bunch of morons for riding dirtbikes all day and shooting deer. i hate that little hillbilly town so much. i'm too good for it.... i always was.

i'm at the point in my life where i'm realizing, "hey i'm 21 years old, i'm an adult" and it's scary as fuck because i still feel like a lost, lonely, little girl. i don't know shit about anything, i lived in a little bubble with my crazy parents my whole life. they ruined me.

every day, i wish that i had never been born. just look at my parents and you will agree that these two people should have never reproduced. they already told me that i was a mistake, just a result of the condom staying in the dresser drawer. genetics are quite a powerful thing. it is clear that both of my parents have some serious mental problems and are total low-class morons, so it is highly likely that my destiny will be the same. how do i change anything?

yeah, so i guess the point of this post is that i'm totally fucked up. and i'm so stressed out right now, all i ate yesterday was a grilled cheese sandwich and i can't even fucking sleep. my mind is all scattered and shit, when i came to adam's moms house and tried to tell her everything that happened, i could barely get the words out in a way that made sense. i can't even fucking think anymore.

so this week is going to consist of job hunting, even though there are absolutely no jobs in port huron right now. michigan is the most fucked up state ever. economy is bad, people are trashy and stupid, and it's cold and ugly outside. don't ever move to michigan.
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