i don't remember the last time i updated and i don't know if anyone is still on my friends list or what, but i just feel compelled to update.
i'm 22 now, and i live in fenton. it's a more ritzy neighborhood just outside of flint. i moved to flint in april, had my own shitty one bedroom apartment in the ghetto (which i will never forget), worked at the club, etc. i met my friend amber and her boyfriend jason, who are now like family to me, and we all rented out this big 5 bedroom house. its truly amazing. my probation should be over with in a month. theres so much shit i've just wanted to write down on here, so many adventures and crazy shit that's happened, but my internet situation has been unreliable and i've been in a haze. jeff and i also broke up, but that's a big giant story i can't go into right now...
i need help right now. i never remember feeling this fucked up and weird before, like i want something better. i feel like i'm wasting my life just stripping and not really getting anything else accomplished. i have become numb and emotionless and disoriented. i don't know what it is.... but i have an idea.
i'm going to quit smoking weed. and i'm putting it in writing because i really want to. it's not that i can't afford it, it's that i could buy a lot of cooler shit for $100 than a bag of pot. and it's not even about buying cool shit, it's about putting it in the bank instead and having security for the future. the future is whats important, and when you're a pothead nothing exists except the present. if i continue with the route i'm going and don't think about the future, then i won't plan for it and i won't have one.
it took me so long to see the turning point where smoking pot stopped being fun and it began zapping the life from me. i feel sickly, i cough, i'm lazy, i can have a million things i wanna do and i'll sit on my ass the whole day thinking about doing them instead. then i get pissed at myself for being a failure and i have to deal with the consequences i brought on myself, which pisses me off more which causes me to smoke a joint which causes me to waste another day doing nothing, and the cycle repeats. i didn't realize this cycle was going on because it crept up on me. i feel like i'm trapped in it. i used to draw pictures and paint and write poetry and update my journal every day and talk with excitement about my adventures, and i guess i never realized what a creative and active mind i was born with. i miss it, and i feel like i've destroyed it. its been forever since i pursued any of my old hobbies, or any hobbies at all. i just do nothing all the time and waste away. and for some reason, i wait for life to get better when i'm not really doing anything to make it better. i need to take initiative, but i'm too confused and depressed to know how.
i'm trying to find myself right now, or some retarded shit. i read in-depth information about my zodiac sign and it enlightened me. as long as i allow life to pass me by, it will eat away at my self-esteem and confidence and cripple me further. if i take control of my life and good things come my way because of my own efforts, i will feel accomplished and proud and i'll be able to pull myself out of this rut. i feel like a failure because it's the only thing i know right now. i want a taste of success, and real life, and happiness.
you really can choose your own destiny and that's something my stupid little brain never understood. bad things just happen to me and i cry and wonder why. i'm not a bad person, i'm just a weak person. there are many lessons that i have yet to learn. but i KNOW that... so will that help me in my efforts to change or will it have to come with time? all i know is that i want to change. i don't want to feel like a useless, dumb person without a future. i don't think i am. i can pull myself out of this. i'm going to try to start updating again like i used to, it will keep me on track.