it is completely impossible for me to update about everything that's happened to me... so i'm not gonna try to bite off more than i can chew here. the stories will be told over time. i'm just trying to get back into the swing of things and feel a bit more like my old self, if that's even possible considering i'm 24 years old now and life could never be that simple again. my journal dates all the way back to 2002 and i updated pretty consistently so i had a lot of old shit to read when i logged on. you don't realize how much you changed until you read some of the shit you wrote when you were 17. most of it just made me laugh. it was definitely a much more simple time.
i'm reaching out to myself right now, if that makes any sense at all. i seem to have lost myself at some point and i don't know how to get back to feeling whole again. i think life has taken a lot out of me. my hopes are that writing in this will help me sort things out and stay sane, since i was addicted to it before and it seemed to always help me. livejournal was always there for me. it was the one thing that would always listen, so that the thoughts wouldn't be stuck swirling around in my head. nobody judged me or gave me shit for what i said, i was able to just get everything out in the open. and if people read it or didn't read it, it always helped me to get everything out regardless. since i haven't updated in years i feel confused, like time flew by and i never had the time to sit down and deal with things and talk about them. all of this shit is hard to explain and i probably sound like a retard babbling on, but oh well. all i can do is try.
at least i know i'm safe now. i've been through a lot of shit, so much it's hard to even touch the tip of the iceburg. the last anyone heard from me i was dancing in flint, michigan. i was young and stupid for ever getting into it. things have been a downward spiral that kept spinning more and more out of control. it started with my mom leaving my dad, before that i was just a college kid working for minimum wage, never questioning anything and happy as hell. when my mom divorced my dad and i moved in with her and her stupid boyfriend came to live with us, that's when things went wrong. all i wanted to do was leave and do my own thing and be self-sufficient. when i got into dancing it was the solution to everything. i pretty much went crazy, on this quest to support myself and not have to talk to either of my parents (cuz they are both crazy), and in the process i was pulled into an industry and lifestyle that would chew me up and spit me out. i was just a sheltered kid that was thrown into a grown-up world way too suddenly. i didn't even understand half the shit that was going on around me, i just wanted to have money and survive. that was the only thing i focused on- i just wanted to be okay. and i never had anyone in the whole world to ever help or support me.
the economy has gone down the shitter in the past few years. that means less disposable income for men to spend in strip clubs, and less men going into them. that has caused a desperate situation for dancers when there isn't enough money to go around for everyone, and it's not easy to make money anymore. dancers started going the extra mile to get the money that they needed and extract it from men who were sitting around drinking and definitely weren't going to part with their unemployment checks unless they were getting "something for their money". for a dancer who is good looking and trying to make money just doing lapdances and keeping the customers company, it became totally pointless. and it became completely frustrating trying to sell a product that guys did not want while the guys tried to convince you into prostitution. other girls will do anything they want, why abide by the "no touching" rules when they can get off for the same amount of money? therefore i became a waste of money to them. for any female that has ever considered dancing for money and paying for your college, trust me- you won't pay for your college and probably won't even be able to pay for your house unless you are doing some seriously dirty stuff. i don't see why they even call it dancing anymore when the clubs these days are just whorehouses and a cover for prostitutes. seriously. people are just fucked up, and the world is fucked up. that's why i had no option but to get out of that environment. there was no reason in the world for a girl like me to be there. i'm not a crackhead or a prostitute and i was never that desperate for money. would you suck dick just to support yourself? fuck no, i'd rather just be homeless and screwed like everyone else in this fucked up state! would you even get naked and dance for 100 bucks or so a night? i could not degrade myself anymore for nothing. it used to be worth it, but shit changed bigtime.
have you ever met a stripper who quit dancing a had a big pile of money saved up for her retirement? highly unlikely you will ever see that. it doesn't work like that. when people know you can make an unlimited supply of money, users and backstabbers are drawn to you like flies on shit and you end up "helping" people who never gave a fuck about you or your well-being. these people run rampant in environments like a strip clubs and party atmospheres where morals are a hard thing to find and people just wanna get fucked up. i do not have a single friend from flint and i lived there for 3 years and hung out with a shitload of different people. none of these people have ever been real friends to me. fucked up, isn't it?
so i guess now i'm back at square one with nothing except a whole lot of crazy life experiences and a whole lot of confusion. there's a big hole in my life now, and i know it can never be patched up but i'm trying to find some way to recover from all the bullshit and get back to being happy like i was before. there's the past, the present, and the future. i've been spending the present thinking about the past and that's been screwing up my future. i know i still have a future, i just have to figure out what to do. nothing you can do to change the past or forget it. all you can do is use the knowledge you learned from the past and make sure you don't go down the wrong path again. i know there are sunny days ahead. i haven't wasted my youth or my life... not yet. now is the time to start living.