Tina Nina (noctina) wrote,
Tina Nina

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as many times as i've wanted to post on this journal and tell my stories and feelings, i could not bring myself to do it. i've been through a lot and it has been too hard to talk about. every time i felt like talking about everything i felt overwhelmed, like there was too much too say and i was way too confused to explain. i've clammed up and grew numb to it all, because it was just too much. i will elaborate on everything at a later date. however there are a few things i need to confess right now.

1. i've been the victim of an abusive relationship. i was manipulated, controlled, and destroyed by a very evil and dangerous man. he took away my happiness, my self-esteem, and my trust in human beings. it was the most horrible, traumatizing thing i've ever experienced. if i ever saw him again i would run for my life. i can't imagine giving my heart to another man. if i am alone forever that is fine with me, because i don't think i will ever feel safe with a man.

2. after this relationship i experienced post-traumatic stress disorder. i was too scared to be alone. i had gruesome nightmares about him coming to get me night after night. his threats haunted me, knowing he is still alive out there scares me because i'm worried he might try to find me someday. i've never been so scared of anybody in my life. i feel like he is watching me ALL THE TIME. it is starting to subside and i am worrying about it less, but the fear is still there.

3. i've developed a severe anxiety problem that i never experienced before in my life. i began to have panic attacks where i couldn't breathe for about 20 minutes and thought the world was closing in on me and that i was going to die. i was hospitalized for them several times. i was prescribed xanax to prevent these attacks and the medication made me into a zombie, where i couldn't remember anything when i was on them and i'd be explosively angry and flip out when they wore off. i was addicted to xanax for a short period of time and will never touch it again. the panic attacks are happening less but i am scared of any potentially stressful situations because i know they can be triggered. this has made me extremely withdrawn and not very functional in life.

4. i was addicted to marijuana. yes, marijuana is psychologically addictive for many people despite the lack of a physically addictive ingredient. the last 3 years of my life i wasted being baked out of my mind because my life was so stressful and i had no sense of security. marijuana made me not care, so that i could get through another day without killing myself. it was an escape from a reality that i couldn't face. it only made matters worse when it became all that i needed and cared about, when i gave up on my life because of it. i have quit for quite some time now, and will most likely never touch it again. i want to work through my problems with no mental crutch and i want my mind to grow and be focused. sober is the only way.

5. i fear that i have lost my mind. seriously. i want to be normal and happy again like i was in my childhood. i fear that i am traumatized forever and will never look at the world the same again. i fear that i am a weak individual, like i'm not smart enough to figure out what's wrong with me or work through anything on my own. this is why i'm confessing things. i don't know what to do. the rug keeps getting pulled out from under my feet over and over again. people who you think are your friends really aren't. the views and opinions that you've had for so long turn out to not be true at all. who the hell am i? why am i constantly confused and lost? is there something wrong with me or is this what life is supposed to do to you? i sound like a crazy person and i know it. i think i AM crazy. i have researched every mental disorder there is, paranoid that i'm becomming a damn schizophrenic. i think it might just be my anxiety talking. i don't have anybody to talk to, and i don't think i'd trust anybody else's input anyway, so i remain confused and questioning everything. i may be driving myself insane. i don't know anymore.

i know there are judgmental people out there and i don't care if they post and tell me i'm a complete wreck. i know i'm a complete wreck, so tell me something i don't know. i know there might be someone who knew me from a long time ago, who might read this and wonder what the fuck went wrong? i'm sick of hiding things or worrying about being embarassed... it's worse for me to clam up like i've been doing and pretend everything's ok, or not say anything at all. i just don't care anymore. maybe i posted because i needed the relief of getting these damn thoughts out of my brain and into words. maybe it will help me somehow. posting my personal problems on the internet may seem lame, but this journal has always listened.

fuck it.

this was a good start...
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